Life with a Broken Heart

It hasn't even been 4 months and my ex boyfriend is already married.  Granted he ran back to his ex before me.  Yet...  I have to wonder if it will ever happen for me?  Do I really not want to?  Destined not to?  Or is my job in the way of it?  I am a Flight Attendant, Airline Stewardess, Fly Girl...  whatever description you want to use to define me.  I am gone from home for days at a time.  Yet, I am home for just as many or more.  There is some misconceptions about the good and the bad of the job.  Yet I have been mostly single since I started my job almost 13 years ago.  I don't have a man in every city.  Good Lord that would be exhausting.  I need my sleep on my overnights.  Yes, pilots flirt with us, but most of them are either great guys who love their families, total dorks, or single for a reason...  Plus at this point in my career, if I was destined to be with a pilot, it would've happened by now.  Dating outside the industry has it complications. Trust..  You have to trust me to be faithful to you when I'm gone.  I have to trust you will be faithful to me when I'm gone.  If I wanted to have a crazy wild life and party or hook up on my overnights, I would NOT have a boyfriend.  I am extremely loyal to those I love.  I am 41 years old.  I don't want or need games.  I don't want to sponsor you.  I'm not looking to be sponsored.  I want an equal partnership of love and respect.  I want the freedom to be me, as I would expect you would as well.

I know I need to have faith that it didn't work out in the past because there is someone special for me.  When the time is right.  In His time, not mine....  I know there are a lot of things I need to work out in myself before I can be, just be...  It's hard work building up your self esteem.

Late at Night

It's times like these, when it's past the witching hour and the only sound is the fan whirring, when the Loneliness takes over.  It's like the Boogey Man hiding under my bed waiting to frighten me.  Then Loneliness's friends come over, Self Doubt, Self Recrimination, Sadness, Worthlessness....  My own mind telling me to get used to being alone because at my age, my chance has passed.  Then the replaying of scenes of my romantic history played out again and again.  I wish I could turn these images off, stop these thoughts running through my head.  I wish I could think of sunshine, roses, puppies, or warm breezes instead...  Not the million things I wished I had done or said differently.  I have many faults, but the worst is falling in love a bit too quickly.  Of not having a strong enough sense of self to spot men who are not worthy of my time or affections.  Of wanting love too much, that any hint of it has me falling down into a rabbits hole, only to learn in time, it wasn't love after all......

Life with a Broken Heart

At what point should you say "uncle" after dating dumbass upon dumbass?  After being told your standards are too high, too low, too shallow, too deep, too this, too freaking that?  I feel adrift on the sea that is my life.  Too tired to look up and see clear skies or the tsunami heading my way.

I want what most everyone wants.  To be loved, to be accepted, to be cherished for who I truly am and not try to fit the "mold".  It wasn't "right", he wasn't the "one" for you... Oh puh leeze....  Do you think I didn't know that?  Didn't see that?  I still tried.  I still gave my all.  Only to be left standing here, dazed, confused, a bit heart broken, and a  lot angry that it didn't take yet AGAIN...

I guess I continue down this path of self discovery.  The quote I often think of is "sometimes God has to get us alone to do the work in us he wants to do".  Apparently God has a lot of work in me to do.  Although, personally, I think there are other things he could be working on and just present me with the perfect man for me so he doesn't have to work on me anymore.  sigh....

Here I go again on my own.......  Did I mention Whitesnake rules?